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Once upon a time…
[No, that's too old-fashioned...]
The setting sun cast a rippling glow over the boiling sea as the
knight prepared to leave for his dangerous quest. His hardest task,
though, would be in parting from his newly-betrothed, the princess
Diria.
[Yikes. That's overwritten. Oh, well, I'll catch it in the edit... ]
He swept her into his arms and kissed her passionately, his mouth
sealed against hers with increasing heat, his hands seeking her bodice..
[Hey, hey, wait a minute!]
They disentangle themselves, and the knight glares at me.
"What?"
[Erotica markets don't want fantasy, and fantasy markets don't want
sexually explicit material. It's all right there in the listings. So cut
it out.]
He kissed her on the cheek with brotherly affection.
[That's better. Hmmm... Maybe this whole thing is too sexist.]
She took the sword from him and prepared to leave. "Farewell; I
shall return to you after I have defeated the Black Wizard."
[Not bad, but if I make it too feminist, I'm going to alienate most of
the male readers unless I have her gallivanting around in a chain mail
brassiere...]
"Don't even think about it, sister."
[Okay, well, maybe something different... Most places want
multicultural these days, and none of my characters are black, Asian,
Native American, or of any minority in race or sexual persuasion... Then
again, if I do make any of them different from my own cultural heritage,
the characters will probably all be stereotypes anyway, because
everybody knows you can't understand someone unless you're exactly like
them...]
A small but hopeful voice: "What about me? I could make it
different."
Sitting at the princess' slippered feet is a small, slightly hairy,
reddish-tan pig.
[Yeah, you'll make it different, all right. Don't you know that nobody
wants talking animals these days? Even children's publishers don't want
talking animals. Especially children's publishers. And you're an
animal, and you're talking, and my finger is poised over the delete
key.]
"I'm not a talking animal, I'm a--a spirit guide! Spirit guides are
multicultural!"
[Out. Now.]
Grumbling, he walks off.
[Okay, where was I?]
"I will return to you," he said, "after I defeat the
Black Wizard."
[Who isn't actually black, of course. In fact, now that I think of it,
it's probably a bad idea to even call him the Black Wizard because the
Black Wizard is rather evil and people might think I'm trying to make
some kind of white power statement or something occult...]
"I give you this amulet as my promise that I will return."
With great tenderness, he placed the sparkling chair around her neck.
Thump. "Ouch!" The princess is pinned to the ground by a
jeweled throne.
[Oops. Typo.]
...he placed the sparkling chain around her neck.
[Sorry about that.]
The princess looks at me darkly and rubs her neck.
[Oh--hey, by the way, guys, mind if we move this thing along? I noticed
the word count's getting kind of high, and nobody wants long stories
these days, so...]
He rode to the far-off fortress of the Wizard, defeated him and his
henchmen, recaptured the Stone of Thought and became heir to the Scared
Throne upon his return to the princess.
The knight staggers back to the princess, near exhaustion, then frowns
and turns to me. "What's the throne scared of?"
[Sorry. Typing too fast.]
...heir to the Sacred Throne.
"So what happens to me?"
The pig again.
[You leave and show up in somebody else's hackneyed story. Unless, of
course, one of my multicultural vegan characters has a change of heart
and begins craving sausage.]
"I'm telling you, I'm not a talking animal! I'm--um--symbolic! I
represent the protagonist's self-loathing... Okay, okay, I'm
going."
The princess picks up the pig and cuddles him, then looks reproachfully
at me. "You don't have to be so mean to him. What's wrong with
letting him stay?"
[Nothing, if you like form rejections.]
"Well, maybe if you were more worried about us than seeing your
stupid byline in print, you might get a few more acceptances than you do
now."
[Hey, I can create more characters, you know. I don't have to take this
from you.]
"Why not try it?" the knight chimes in. "Just this once,
let us do what we want, and even if it gets rejected, you'll at least
have written something you care about."
[Well, okay. Maybe you're on to something...]
Thus begins the story of the questing knight, the princess Diria, and
her faithful and mischievous pet pig--
"Truffleslayer."
[Oh, for heaven's sake...]
..mischievous pet pig Truffleslayer.
Who, on occasion, talks.
Renee Carter Hall writes poetry and fiction and is editor of the
poetry journal Limestone Circle. Her short stories have appeared in Marion
Zimmer Bradley's Fantasy Magazine, The Threshold, and Virginia
Adversaria, among others.
She says: "I've written several stories that have been difficult
to place because they don't easily fit into typical categories. Amidst
the frustration of all the 'sorry, this doesn't suit us' rejection
letters, I wrote 'To Market,' as a way to keep my sense of humor."
Renee welcomes correspondence at renjef@earthlink.net.
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