You can't swing a dead cat at Disney without striking a woman whose tummy looks like a jiffy pop about to explode.  Up and down the corral ropes of long waiting lines, you see them.  These poor, drooping souls who resemble a wet blanket draped over a beach ball. 

They each give a fellow sufferer a faint smile of acknowledgment that says, "Hang in there, sister.  Only 45 minutes until you can sit down for seventy seconds in a giant Dumbo your preschooler sends up and down so fast, you'll lose that $12 lunch you just scarfed down at Cap'n Hooks Buffeteria." 

I should know, I've been there often enough, and been among the ranks of the bulbous bellies with all three of my pregnancies. 

The first time I went to Disney as an expectant mother, I was still early in the second month.  No big deal, right?  I wasn't showing yet, didn't suffer from morning sickness, and was relatively healthy in all respects.  I naively figured I could scream my way through Space Mountain with the best of them. 

I knew I was in trouble when I took two steps off the monorail into the park, and promptly puked. 

My second trip to Disney, I was so pregnant, they prohibited me from entering the Jungle Cruise waiting line for fear I would go into labor before actually reaching the ride.  They didn't want their tally count screwed up, and preferred my newborn only be on the boat with a proper life preserver. 

The last go around, I must say, was a breeze to an experienced, gestational Disney survivor as myself.  I was five months along, and considered to be in the 'cute' stage.  (That means, all my maternity tops still bore a modicum of looseness, and my belly finally caught up with my boobs.) 

So let me give you some advice, ladies, having been there and back in all my various stages; tidbits that you must know before hubby suddenly gets the urge to do the Disney Experience while you're sporting your sister-in-law's hand-me-down 'Baby on Board' T-shirt. 

Now that you've spent the obligatory eighty bucks or so on the best walking shoes Reebok has to offer, thinking they'll save those swelling feet of yours, let me tell you this: No walking shoe ever invented has been made that will lessen the pain of standing in line for over an hour. 

None. 

You need to sit, girl, and you need to sit for a lot longer than half those rides afford.  Believe me, I've timed 'em. 

Do yourself a favor and get in line for "It's A Small World."  The song is insipid, most of the little dolls' electronic lips are out of sync, but you get to be off your feet for nearly 7 minutes.  Absolute heaven to a woman who is sprouting a new crop of varicose veins each time she enters a new 'Land.'  It's peaceful, happy, and you get to float softly along the track without threat of dropping ten feet unexpectedly, or being doused by hippos wiggling their ears. 

Now let's talk about turnstiles for a moment, shall we?  For one thing, Disney was designed in the late sixties, back when Twiggy was popular.  They were built so narrow a healthy Wisconsin girl like myself had to turn sideways just to get through them on a normal day.  Pregnant, the obstacle presented by these space economized, three-pronged bars creates navigational problems for even the most imaginative woman. 

Solution?  Strollers. 

If this is not your first child, wrestle that baby carriage away from dad and push it through the little gate uniformed Disney greeters are more than happy to open for wheelchairs and buggies.  They click in both you and child without hesitation, and it's a sly way to avoid the awkward peril you could conceivably place yourself in by getting stuck between the unyielding metal. 

If you have no accompanying stroller bound children, beg, borrow or steal one from a nearby family.  The sympathetic mother will take one look at the apprehensive panic on your face as you approach the torturous turnstiles and understand fully.  I once saw a compassionate woman handing out twins to two separate belly buckers, no questions asked.  She'd been there.  And how. 

Upon entering, you will be given a map.  This map is your best friend, regardless of how mangled it gets from being folded and refolded the dozen times it takes you to figure out how to get from FantasyLand to LibertyVille.  Keep it handy, girls. 

Memorize your restroom locations. 

For all that I have complained, I'll say one thing about Disney: they know how to build a bathroom.  Rows of stalls to accommodate.  Clean, stocked and battle ready for a woman to waddle in and find quick relief.  (At least you can sit down again, right?) 

For those of you dragging diaper bottom toddlers, no more balancing junior on one of those precarious, plastic koala cozies.  No, siree.  Disney's got wide, stainless steel tables to flop a crabby squirmer on, with enough room to change his attitude. 

As a last bit of wisdom, might I suggest you encourage hubby to go on those rides that prohibit pregnant woman and heart patients by himself.  He'll be gone at least an hour.  Let him go stand in the agonizingly long line and lose his lunch on Big Thunder Railroad. 

You take the time to find a bench in the shade, suck on a Mickey-shaped popsicle, put your feet up and relax.  Absorb the Disney magic and beauty while he enjoys the thrills. 

Better yet, stay back at the hotel pool. 

 

Betsy Norman writes romance, humor and nonfiction and is a featured columnist in The Lover's Knot Magazine.  Be sure to read Down "Write" Funny in every issue to make even the most serious of writer's issues laughable.  She has two more short stories currently available online: The Perfect Pair and Moon Dance appear in The Romantic Bower .  Look for Halloween Knight and Icebreaker in future TRB issues.  This summer, her short romantic fiction will be spotlighted in the premiere issues of Rhapsody Magazine and Romancing the Skyze.  Check out Betsy Norman's Home Page at  for more information on where to find her work.  Past credits include:

	Deliberately Untitled, Woman-Power, 12/97, and reprinted in The Rose & Thorn--A Literary E-zine, 12/98.
	Halloween Knight, The Lover's Knot Magazine, 10/98.
	Meet the Author: Betsy Norman, The Lover's Knot Magazine,   10/98.
	Dad's Blarney Stone, Writer's Cramp, 3/99.
	What Critique Group is Best for You?, The Lover's Knot Magazine, 4/99.
	The Perfect Pair, The Romantic Bower, 4/99.
	Moon Dance, The Romantic Bower, 5/99.

Betsy would love to hear from you, and always enjoys a good "True Love" story.