Nick was at work. The house changed when he left. The kids fought a little less, and it was playful sparring rather than the complaining, agonizing arguments which broke out when the kids were at their limits. Maggie tapped at the keyboard while Ashley and Andrew watched television.

Maggie escaped by signing online. She used America Online as a safe way to have adult communication and interaction. Her screen name, Spurious, epitomized the feelings she had toward online relationships, yet she had found some dear friends within the halls of AOL. Of course, she also communicated with her brother and sister through email. Electronic connections were so much cheaper than snail mail or phone calls.

She spent many evenings connected to the world through the keyboard. Ashley and Andrew didn’t mind too much as long as she signed off and spent time with them. They escaped by watching television, she escaped with banal online conversations. One of her best friends online called herself Sextan. Like Maggie, Elaine was also a rider and they spent time talking about kids, horses, and men. Elaine had flown out to meet Maggie the previous year and they got along very well.

Maggie ushered the kids to bed later than she should have. The kids preferred to stay up late, get up late, and generally act like kids. Maggie was too wrung out emotionally to fight the bedtime battle. The three of them went to sleep at the same time. The kids were only about an hour late getting tucked in this time.

Nick crawled into bed about three A.M. Maggie knew he’d gotten home on time. She still listened for him. He had been online, checking the latest pornography sites. He chastised Maggie for talking to people from all over the country with similar interests while he looked at naked women. Maggie shuddered. She did not understand why he enjoyed pornography. Moreover, she didn’t understand why he chose sites with very thin women whose breasts were tiny at best. His choice of women to look at were so different from the woman he chose to marry. Maggie often felt that he just didn’t like what she looked like and needed the pornography to give him a mental picture to lust after. That was not something she could tolerate in their relationship.

Maggie tensed as she felt Nick next to her. He turned on his side, his back toward her. The sheets moved rhythmically for a while before he moaned softly. Maggie kept her eyes closed and her body still. When Nick was ready to sleep, he crawled against her, laying his leg and arm over the top of her.

The radio alarm clock sounded at six-thirty. Maggie squeezed herself out from beneath Nick and turned it off. The morning dance had begun. In short order, she dressed, roused the kids and hustled them off to school before returning to feed horses and lambs. Maggie had to be back at Doctor Chissling’s office at nine.

“Where would you like to begin this week?” Maggie was apprehensive.

“How have you been feeling? Are you still thinking about killing yourself?” Doctor Chissling took a sip of his Coke Classic.

“No. That was a one time thing and very uncharacteristic of me. I think that’s what made me want to come see you in the first place. I knew I was out of control and this relationship had moved too far from healthy.”

“You sound better, that’s good. How’s Nick?”

“Nick is Nick.” Maggie felt herself falling into the pattern of denial she’d held for so many years. “When he’s at home, I avoid him. When he’s gone, I’m much happier.”

“Well then, is that what you want? Do you want him gone?”

Maggie looked down. She hesitated and felt the tears sliding down her face before she found the strength within herself to answer. She looked Chissling in the eye. “I always said I wanted to get married once and have it last forever. I found I didn’t have the strength to do that. I can only give so much." Maggie sighed heavily.

"He stopped giving. Our entire relationship became based on a quick intimacy which I stopped enjoying. I feel like there’s so much I should have done. I keep thinking I should work harder, be a better wife." Her chest tightened as she fought the tears and emotion. This was her failure and she felt it to her core.

"I tried all of the things I was raised to appreciate. That whole 1950's perfect family picture where I cooked and cleaned and raised the kids. None of it worked for us.”

Her breath shook her chest slightly as she inhaled. “I can’t have a perfect marriage, a post card perfect family. I have the house in the country, white picket fence, two kids, horses, dogs, I help out at school. On the outside, I have everything I was raised to value. But I’m not happy. I need to be appreciated. I need more.” Maggie plucked a Kleenex out of the box on the table next to her and dabbed her eyes.

“I think my biggest difficulty was convincing myself that his treatment of me was some kind of abuse. He never hit me, though he has used police holds on me and he threw me down from time to time. I guess I thought that it wasn’t abuse if he didn’t hit me.” Maggie shrugged before continuing, “Besides, he’s my husband. Aren’t I supposed to do my best to be his best friend and mate and forgive surly behavior from time to time?”

She sat there, looking from Chissling’s face to the window behind him. Birds fluttered back and forth in the tree. There was nothing in his expression that she could hold on to, no scorn or pity, no forgiveness or encouragement. “No, I guess turning the other cheek only goes so far, doesn’t it? There comes a time when one must stand up and be counted.”

Maggie stopped and felt a solidity within herself. She knew it was time and more than time. “ I think, I mean, I am.” She took a deep breath. “I’m ready to stand on my own two feet.”

Doctor Chissling looked her in the eye. “Things didn’t turn bad all of a sudden. Can you remember when your relationship began changing?”

Maggie thought before she answered. She let her mind drift back through the years, telling Dr. Chissling of the events as she remembered them. Nick did not get his job with the Sheriff’s department until Ashley was six months old. Even then, he worked inside the jail for the first couple of years. But, he changed. Slowly, imperceptably, Maggie had noticed they were growing apart.

Nick spent less time with her. They no longer invited friends over, nor did they go visit mutual friends. When Nick was home, he had his nose in a book. If she wanted his attention, she had to dislodge the book and make him look at her or she knew he would not remember anything even if she managed to get a response from him. He never took these interruptions graciously and Maggie learned not to bother him. Interacting with him was not worth the price she paid when she faced his anger.

She remembered one day clearly. He came home from work about one A.M. He’d been on swing shift. Maggie was tired. She was just drifting back to sleep when he walked into the bedroom. Nick flipped on the overhead light and began stripping off his clothes. He walked to the bathroom in his briefs and undershirt. Maggie was irritated with the light. Still, she tried to accept his need for light while he made his nightly ablutions.

Nick crawled into bed next to her. She turned on her side and looked at him. “How was work?”

“It was okay.” Nick picked up a Robert Heinlein book and opened it to the proper page.

Maggie noticed his finger had a splint on it. “What happened to your hand?”

“Smashed it with a food cart.” Nick never took his eyes off the book.

Maggie was frustrated. This wasn’t a relationship. Finally, she picked up her own book since she knew she wasn’t going to get to sleep right away.

They’d been in bed, reading side by side, for most of an hour. Nick laid his book down and struggled out of his underclothes. Maggie marked her spot and began to lay her book down as well. “No, keep reading,” he said.

She opened her book, but did not read anything. Nick moved on top of her, sucking on her nipple. She felt her irritation rising and moved to put the book down again. She bent forward and kissed his forehead.

“Go ahead and read.” Nick didn’t look at her, but turned his attention to her other breast.

Slowly he reached down and spread her legs.